Pushed to the brink

It's been truly scary reading over the past week about a spate of suicides in and around Mumbai. Most of them were young adults, some little children. The count, I believe, now stands at 14 in a span of seven days. Academic pressures, unhappy family situations and unfulfilled aspirations led these children to end their lives.

Being on the other side of the divide as a parent, it got me thinking about motivation and pressure. Where do you draw the line? We all know that the Indian schooling system is cruelly demanding. The kids are pushed to perform in school and that inevitably transfers to the home, prompting parents to at times make unrealistic demands of their children. Any child who doesn't fit into the mould of the ideal pupil suffers. The system isn't flexible enough to handle children whose interests may lie in other areas, whose strengths are not necessarily in the stuff included in the curriculum. They aren't encouraged to hone their natural abilites, instead are forced to submit to the norm. And this can be fatal for a child's morale.

So how far is it safe to nudge a child? When do motivation and encouragement turn into unhealthy pressure? When does it become unbearable? Why do parents lose perspective? At what point do the marksheet and college prospects become more important than the child's happiness? How do you know for sure whether your child isn't trying hard enough or is genuinely unable to cope? Why don't parents make it a habit of talking to their children so it never reaches the point where communication is so broken down that they can't even sense their child might be dangerously depressed?

Those questions are relevant when it comes to academic pressure. But what left me baffled and terrified was the suicide by an 11-year-old girl who had participated in three reality TV dance shows. Neha's parents had apparently pulled her out of the dance academy she used to attend because they thought enough was enough and it was time she got back to focusing on her studies. These are parents who had allowed their child to follow her dreams. It was just a drastic reaction by their daughter to finally hearing a "No" from her parents.

But that "No" becomes essential at some point. Any parent knows that saying "No" takes a lot more strength than capitulating to your child's demands.

My kids read the newspapers and must have noticed this report. I have to make sure they understand that what Neha did was silly, that she unnecessarily cut short a life that could have been full of joy and success.

I suppose it's easy to say these things when it hasn't happened to you. Easy to sit in judgement. I can't imagine what the parents of the children who ended their lives are going through. They will probably carry a crushing burden of guilt for the remainder of their time. A few days ago they wouldn't have imagined such a thing could happen to them, as we can't now. But it does happen. And, as parents, it is our responsibility to learn to recognise the signs. Learn to take a step back and reassess priorities when our children seem to be floundering. Keep communicating with our kids. It isn't a one-time lesson. It has to be learnt and practised over and over again. I hope I never forget this.