Lardy-da

I'd heard of them, but never seen them in the flesh. When I spotted them first I suppose I stared a bit. Even though my brain kept telling me to look away and stop being rude, I couldn't immediately avert my gaze. I noticed that they jiggled when they moved. The only form of vegetable they ate was deep fried and quite often dunked in a viscous cheese dip before being shoved into the mouth. They consumed unimaginable amounts of meat. And when they walked, it was always with a gigantic tumbler of some form of aerated beverage firmly clasped in a forelimb. They came in all colours, but the racial differences were neutralised by the body mass.

I am speaking of the gigantic blobs of lard that had come to Niagara Falls, Ontario, from south of the Canadian border. I got a chance to observe them last weekend. The Canadian part of the Falls is apparently considered more of a tourist haven than its counterpart in New York state, which is why most weekends Americans drive north of the border and inundate the town.

No matter how much you hear about the obese American, nothing really prepares you for the first sighting. It's hard to explain. Every visitor to the U.S. has told me that the vastness of its people matches that of the nation. Even though you now see a lot of obese Indians back home, especially in the big cities, they aren't yet in the same league as the true-blue large American. And Canadians often discuss the growing incidence obesity among their people. But at least in Toronto and surrounding areas, people are by and large fit and healthy in appearance.

I'm a big Jay Leno fan and try to catch his show whenever possible. Practically every evening he'd have a "now how fat are we getting as a nation...." segment. I'd laugh at the jokes but think to myself, surely he's exaggerating. Now I realise that he is most certainly not. These people are HUGE. They probably haven't seen their own feet or genitals in many years!

I understand now why the restaurant we ate dinner at on our first night at Niagara had "deep fried cheesecake" on its dessert menu. I checked with the waitress if that was correct. Yes, she said. It is really deep fried. And comes wrapped in a tortilla. But of course. Surely a simple cheesecake - made with cream cheese, butter, flour, sugar, eggs and cracker crumbs - isn't decadent enough for these people? I was dying to see a serving of this monstrous dessert but was too chicken to order it. Maybe next time.